Understanding self-harm
People self-harm for different reasons: to interrupt overwhelming emotion, to feel something when numb, to express pain that has no words, or to punish themselves. It usually works in the short term, which is exactly why it is hard to stop.
It is not the same as a suicide attempt, though the two can overlap and both deserve support. Most people who self-harm are trying to survive the moment rather than end their life.
Shame keeps it hidden and hidden makes it worse. Many people conceal it for years. Talking to a professional who will not react with alarm or disgust is often the turning point.
Signs to look for
Everyone experiences some of these sometimes. What matters is how many, how long, and how much they interfere with your life.
What it can look like
- Cutting, scratching, burning or hitting yourself
- Unexplained injuries, or covering up in warm weather
- Deliberately not letting wounds heal
- Withdrawing before and after episodes
- Feeling relief afterwards, then shame
What tends to precede it
- A build-up of tension with no outlet
- Feeling numb, unreal or disconnected
- Intense self-criticism after a perceived failure
- Conflict, rejection or feeling abandoned
When to seek help
You do not need to be in crisis to deserve support. Consider speaking to someone if:
- Immediately if an injury is serious — that is a medical matter first
- If it is becoming more frequent or more severe
- If you are also having thoughts of suicide
- If you are hiding it and the secrecy is isolating you
What helps
Understanding its function
Rather than starting with stopping, effective therapy starts with what self-harm accomplishes for you. Once that is clear, you can build alternatives that meet the same need.
Distress tolerance skills
Approaches drawn from dialectical behaviour therapy teach concrete ways to ride out a surge of emotion — intense cold, paced breathing, grounding — that work in the minutes when urges peak.
Delay and reduce harm
If stopping outright is not realistic yet, delaying, reducing severity, and keeping wounds clean all matter. Harm reduction is a legitimate step, not a failure.
Treating what drives it
Self-harm frequently accompanies trauma, depression, or difficulty regulating emotion. Treating those reduces the urges rather than just resisting them.
Common questions
Does self-harm mean I want to die?
Usually not. For most people it is a way of coping with pain in order to keep going. That said, self-harm does raise longer-term risk, which is another reason support matters.
Will a therapist judge me or report me?
A trained psychologist will not be shocked. Our confidentiality policy sets out the limited situations where a professional may need to involve someone else, and they will discuss it with you first wherever possible.
I am a parent and found out my child is self-harming. What now?
Stay calm and avoid anger or ultimatums, which increase secrecy. Say you are glad you know, ask what it helps with, keep them physically safe, and arrange professional support.